I don't have a lot of time or ambition to write at the moment, but I just wanted to note that one of my favorite songs lately (to run to, at least) isn't anything new - it's "Aeroplane" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Especially the line above (see title of this entry).
Below we have my brother, who I saw in Wisconsin last weekend (along with a few other close friends). Incidentally, I bought a tee shirt at the airport on the way back that says, "Wisconsin" and then above that, "Nothing Tips Like A Cow". Hehe. I know you're jealous.
March 11, 2006
Not the most important thing I should've done this week
No, no... the most important things I should have done this week were my resume and various job applications. At least I have the resume document currently open and undergoing editing. And I have the jobs identified and bookmarked. It's the actual getting from Point A (resume and cover letter) to Point B (resume and cover letter sent to job opportunity) that I have don't yet. Something's holding me back, and I'm not sure what that something is.
But at least I've gotten this done... my yearbook page.
Back to work I go.
March 7, 2006
In which our heroine procrastinates with poetry
This springlike look won't be around forever, but I did have fun playing with a few incredible Photoshop brushes designed by Jason Gaylor. I almost feel like I should change the title of this blog to 'Many Fires... grow like crazy leaves.' or something like that.
In the meantime, I'm on vacation this week. I've wandered a bookstore or two in my downtime, mainly to sit between the aisles and read poetry books for free. I've come across this, which makes me laugh and nod, this, which makes me smirk, and this, which is a humorous follow-up to a rather well known poem by William Carlos Williams (The Red Wheelbarrow). I've also been doodling some words of my own, words that sometimes organize themselves into a vague impression of a poem.
Maybe, he said, the moon and me
You and me and the moon
Are all accidents playing on
And our common theme is just
The earth we stand upon.
I said maybe, maybe but I said
I've been swimming in the ocean
At night between the sea and sky
Rocking to the same slow song
That the tides listen to.
And also I said, and also you and I
Have drifted apart and crashed together
More times than some earth force accounts for,
And in the moonlight your smile reflects the light
Of something more than just a happy accident.
Gravity, he said; it's all relative.
And we fell to the earth in agreement.
February 26, 2006
Creative Night #4: In which the fifth means added fun
So, it's like this: I have been doing way, way too much thinking lately. Maybe it's because I'm at a point in my life that I don't want to move forward from. And yet, I do. I want to move to Oregon. I want to be a successful veterinarian who rides around the agricultural lands of the Northwest and who also treats the beloved dogs and cats of caring clients. But I don't quite have enough courage right now. That's it. That's what it is, and I've said it: I'm being a coward.
And I really despise cowards. (It's no wonder I dislike myself so much lately.)
I'm ignoring the fact that I have to finish a resume, search and apply for jobs, and actually implement everything I've learned during these last four years. And I've got my heard buried in the sand of the present so that I won't have to face the most disturbing, frightening thought of all: maybe this isn't where my heart it. Maybe this isn't what I really want to do with my life.
How do you say that to yourself, after so much sweat and effort and money and time? How do you face that unsureness without your eyes tearing up a bit from sheer frustration? And what if it's not true? What if you just need to get started along this path you've chosen, at least for a while, in order to realize that hey, maybe it IS what you want to do... and maybe you're just scared to be actually doing it. Scared because maybe things will die. Maybe you'll violate the sacred 'first do no harm' standard. Maybe you'll disappoint all the people that have come to believe in you.
Or, just as bad: maybe the thing that you're doing won't inspire you. And then what? I suppose you stick with it long enough to make some headway in that massive debt you've accrued, so that you can do something else with your life as soon as possible.
Or, maybe... maybe my creative side (not to mention my dormant emotional side, which lies low like barely burning coals - 'can I come out into the meadow yet, mother?' No, not yet young one, it's not safe right now...) has just been locked up for too long and is rebelling against the system. Luckily, we recently had Creative Night #4 (nice transition, eh?), which was an opportunity for me to express other important aspects of myself. And so I give you my contribution to the final round, in which the common topic of 'melting' was explored... (Official title: "Melting, and Not Too Happy About the Broccoli Hat Either"):
And then, for another topic ('the view from the sky'), comes this poem:
Some child was selling airplanes
made, she said, from the finest paper
that the sky will ever see.
So we folded dreams into wings
for a nickel apiece,
and climbed up through tangled sheets of clouds,
where all the proud birds go round,
where the sun blinds the doubts of our young careers
and where the atmosphere
does not allow for any trace
or thought of fear.
And when the storms moved in,
as time rolled towards us like
the curvature of the Earth,
we gave wide berth but still our paper failed,
or winged words smeared
and as the rain forced us down,
as we neared the solid dirt
we were already clutching in our hands the next nickel
to buy the finest paper the sky had ever seen
and to fly again on the many words of a dream.
We were privileged at this particular creative night to have the addition of a particular Nick, as well as our core team of myself, Irma, Brian and Liam. Fabulous times were had by all. Of course, because I did have such a good time, another cursed thought has attached itself like some lobstrosity to my soul: A few months and you'll never see these people again.
Which, of course, isn't entirely true. I will see these people again, eventually. But unfortunately, they'll be four time zones away from me. So not only do I have to find the courage to face the future I've chosen (and to try to be good at it), not only do I have to face the debt, and the hassles of moving, and the change from academia to an actual job... I have to do it while losing, on a face-to-face level, my friends. How many more Creative Nights will there be? How many more times will I be able to listen to the piano playing, to assist with the origami making, to indulge in the ice cream eating with them?
Of course, I can hardly justify these types of complaints when I know how good I have it. Family and friends, a roof over my head, a car to drive, food to eat, a hard-won doctorate within my grasp, and the potential and opportunity to do just about anything I really set my heart on. As my dad would say... bitch and moan, bitch and moan. Suck it up. Get over it.
We all choose our paths, at least as much as our paths choose us. I can't play the part of the ostrich with its head buried in the sand for long. By admitting all of this, I've at least transcended that cowardly role. But by admitting all this, I have to say... accepting it sure as hell does hurt.
February 15, 2006
Quackery
Because this duck is just the coolest. And because my birthday yesterday began with a questionable morning and ended with a very lovely and late (for me) night. I have to thank all the people that cooked or baked or prepared or gifted or hugged or surprised... do you think they let you have your birthday wish even if you miss blowing out one of your candles on the first try?
I hope so.
February 12, 2006
Randomicity x 1 (version 2.0)
I've recently been having quite the grand time taking photographs while at my current rotation: Wildlife Clinic. You can see some of them on Flickr and all of them over at the Gallery.
In other news, I'm in a rut, but I can't quite describe why. Stubborness and a refusal to believe that I have to move on with my life, I guess... meaning I have to start Planning and Applying and Searching and Adjusting. And I guess I just haven't had the want or will to do that lately. Sigh.
February 1, 2006
Randomicity x 1
In honor of the upcoming holiday (which, if you have determinedly decided, like so many others in this world, that you despise said holiday... think of it henceforth not as a holiday but as the birthday of the girl who blogs at this website), I have temporarily altered the background color of this page (to match the upcoming image) and am giving you my favorite VDay wallpaper:
And, really... that's all I have for tonight.
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before being thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
-George Bernard Shaw
