I watched you last night
deconstructing white origami
piece by piece, smooth and easy
disconnections until what was once
so complicated had been reduced
to something so simple.
And I wondered
if you tried to deconstruct us
and found your hands full
of hope, laughter, tears,
would you package it so neatly?
Would the units of our lives
interwine completely
would all the days and time
of our moments fold so sweetly
into piles of even pieces
into the pocket of your hands?
June 27, 2005
Because it's what's on my mind this week
Dear People of Spain:
An extremely dear friend of mine will soon be arriving in your country.
I ask you not to panic. The only dangerous part about him is his charisma.
I ask you not to doubt him. He will prove you wrong.
I ask you not to coddle him. Adventure should be challenging.
I ask you not to burden him. He is too free of spirit.
I ask you not to flirt with him. Too much. Else you become addicted.
I ask only that you return his smiles. You will find it impossible not to.
I ask only that you befriend him. He will leave you happier for having known him.
I ask only that you treat him to your best chocolate. So that he can send me some.
I ask only that you learn from him. You will learn reckless joy.
I ask only that you not keep him too long. We knew him first and wish to know him last.
Signed,
Those that will miss him
June 26, 2005
Spirals of jade
June 23, 2005
On Why the Waves Were Crashing
We went into the sea with our heads up
past the tide, into the rocking waves
until they lifted us and we became
the whisper of sand, the soft roar of seashells
Until all the sadness that I had taken with me
had slipped away into forgetful days,
until my tears were nothing more or less
than the dried salt of water on my face
and I was borne back to the land,
slipped upon the shore, no more
a vessel that leaked and laughed
but instead sighed and spread out
into the light to dry,
a starfish of human proportions,
absorbing the warmth of the sun
so that I might love the sea
again.
June 11, 2005
The things I didn't say
...to you are the things I know I will end up regretting the most.
June 1, 2005
I made it back in time after all
From Puerto Rico, to catch the tail end of the lilacs blooming, which I though I would miss and am glad I did not.
May 27, 2005
Because this isn't going to stop for a long, long time
It's interesting how people can judge you by the things they don't see.
For instance, if as a photographer you only show people your best photos, they sometimes come to the conclusion that you're a good photographer.
If they never see you hesitate, they may consider you decisive and confident.
If they never see you shed tears, they perhaps assume you to be strong.
I think that sometimes the things people don't see, but that they assume wrongly, start to weigh on a person who keeps everything to him or herself. Sometimes I think, if such a person could just let one, just one person in on how hard it all is, let just one person see the frailties and the worries, the fears, the tears, then it would relieve so much of the pressure. And I suppose a person like that would take on the role of either significant other or very, very close friend. But one hesitates to subject even someone that close to burdens that are not their own.
So sometimes the world grows too big and pride keeps us from telling anyone. We can only wait for it to become manageable again, we can only wait until the moment or the hour or the night of weakness has passed, so that we can once again show our faces to the people that judge us by the things they do not see.
April 30, 2005
Tut tut, looks like rain
It occasionally alarms me to realize how much my life desires have changed. By 'life desires' I mean the big ticket items, like getting married, having kids, living abroad, owning a spice rack, etc. Just kidding about the spice rack. I definitely want one of those someday. But the other stuff? Hey, when I was a teenager I had pretty much decided against the whole married with kids deal. I pictured my future like this: successful veterinarian with one horse, one German Shepherd, and living in a log cabin somewhere on a peaceful mountain.
I got over the log cabin and the mountain thing. I don't need logs, and I prefer hills and fields to dense mountainsides. But it wasn't until I fell in love for the first time (18? 19?) that I realized how sweet life could be with someone else in it. And it really wasn't until recently that I realized how very much I someday want kids. That fact came pounding home a few weekends ago, when I attended the wedding of one of my best friends from undergrad. There were four of us. Friend #1 had been married, divorced, and had a four year old son. Friend #2 was married and pregnant. Friend #3 (the bride) was pregnant and getting married. And then there was me: not married, no kids, definitely in love but definitely single. As Pooh would say: "Oh, Bother."
I'm not in a hurry by any means. But it sometimes bothers me to think about this, because 1) I like to take my time getting into a relationship, and I like it best if I'm friends for a while with someone first, and 2) I'm not going to ever settle for a particular person just because I'd like to have kids. I'm not a 'settler'... if I get married someday, it won't be because the person is someone I 'can life with'... it'll be because the person is someone I can't live without. (Cheesy but true.)
And it's been absolutely wonderful to see the others get married. But sometimes I have to fight against the niggling fear that it may never happen for me. And the fear that because it hasn't happened yet, that there is something horribly wrong with me. If you know me, and there IS something horribly wrong with me, let me know. Maybe there's still hope.
Words to live by:
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before being thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
-George Bernard Shaw
